Can't Seem to Recover after one year

wes711 · July 6th, 2010, 08:08 PM

Hello everyone, My husband suffered a massive stroke last July 7th, and died eleven days later on July 18th, one day after his 62nd birthday. That was, needless to say, enough to absolutely flatten me to the ground from loneliness, regrets and despair. Six weeks later I was forced to resign from the food bank where I had worked for eleven years. And then recently my first relationship, as a widow, with a man went bust in a way that was ruinous to any litle bit of self esteem that was still remaining. So I'm having a very hard time not just throwing in the towel.

ToThineOwnSelf · October 3rd, 2010, 06:23 PM

Dear wes711,

Sounds like you have a lot to deal with. May I suggest lightening the load on yourself, by taking a moment to think about what you can let go, what is not your fault? Often, when we suffer a loss, we immediately think "oh no, what could I have done differently?" We strain to find ways to make sense of the situation, and often look to our own actions first.

Well, dear, only your actions are your own. That man you dated...how he treated you has NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING, may I repeat it again NO-THING to do with your value. I know this is sometimes hard to believe. I find it helpful to listen to interviews with politicians and criminals. Then you can hear how easy it is to fool oneself into justifying ANY behaviour. We all have that capacity. You are very sensitive and care about your impact on others. Not everyone is like that. Anyone who disrespects you and makes you feel small, is just not as sensitive as you, not as aware, caught up in their own world view.

You can ignore it :-) What a relief, huh?

As for dealing with the loss of your husband, I am dealing with the loss of mine too. Big hugs. I find the grief comes and goes in waves, and the big waves knock me down, but I try to remember that it IS a shifting, changing thing, this grief. The blackest moments won't stay that way forever. There is a future possible for you, without so much pain.

Think back to other things that surprised you.

There are always more surprises in store, that we cannot predict, because we are so small, and this universe is so big. You may feel you know for sure that things are horrible...but there's no way you could prove that with 100% certainty. What we do know is that there are lots of resources for those who seek. You have taken a step in the right direction by coming here. Well done.

There are billions of people on this planet. You are smart and articulate. I'm sure other people out there would benefit from having you around. Please stay with us.

Be patient and gentle with yourself. The future will keep unfolding. Be curious about how many different ways it could turn out, and change little things to try your hand at nudging life in different directions.

Take care, Wes711.

wes711 · October 3rd, 2010, 08:30 PM

Thanks so much for your kind and very wise words, they mean a great deal to me. And hugs back to you as well, and I'm sorry that you, too, are going through a painful loss.

My situation is actually even worse than what I have related so far. You see, my first husband, who left me after twenty-some years of marriage, has become very disabled from severe bipolar disorder, so I had him move back in with me and I have become a caregiver once again. I don't mind it so much, but it is absolutely heartbreaking for me to see this once vibrant man in such bad shape.

So I'm still very lonely and looking for new friends and (especially) lovers.

However, I have found that that horrible, severe pain of loss is slowly getting a bit better.

Anyway, I hope your life continues to improve. And thank you so very much once again for thinking of me.

Wendy

July 6th, 2010, 08:08 PM	#1
wes711 Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Posts: 2	Can't Seem to Recover after one year Hello everyone, My husband suffered a massive stroke last July 7th, and died eleven days later on July 18th, one day after his 62nd birthday. That was, needless to say, enough to absolutely flatten me to the ground from loneliness, regrets and despair. Six weeks later I was forced to resign from the food bank where I had worked for eleven years. And then recently my first relationship, as a widow, with a man went bust in a way that was ruinous to any litle bit of self esteem that was still remaining. So I'm having a very hard time not just throwing in the towel.

October 3rd, 2010, 06:23 PM	#2
ToThineOwnSelf Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Posts: 2	Dear wes711, Sounds like you have a lot to deal with. May I suggest lightening the load on yourself, by taking a moment to think about what you can let go, what is not your fault? Often, when we suffer a loss, we immediately think "oh no, what could I have done differently?" We strain to find ways to make sense of the situation, and often look to our own actions first. Well, dear, only your actions are your own. That man you dated...how he treated you has NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING, may I repeat it again NO-THING to do with your value. I know this is sometimes hard to believe. I find it helpful to listen to interviews with politicians and criminals. Then you can hear how easy it is to fool oneself into justifying ANY behaviour. We all have that capacity. You are very sensitive and care about your impact on others. Not everyone is like that. Anyone who disrespects you and makes you feel small, is just not as sensitive as you, not as aware, caught up in their own world view. You can ignore it :-) What a relief, huh? As for dealing with the loss of your husband, I am dealing with the loss of mine too. Big hugs. I find the grief comes and goes in waves, and the big waves knock me down, but I try to remember that it IS a shifting, changing thing, this grief. The blackest moments won't stay that way forever. There is a future possible for you, without so much pain. Think back to other things that surprised you. There are always more surprises in store, that we cannot predict, because we are so small, and this universe is so big. You may feel you know for sure that things are horrible...but there's no way you could prove that with 100% certainty. What we do know is that there are lots of resources for those who seek. You have taken a step in the right direction by coming here. Well done. There are billions of people on this planet. You are smart and articulate. I'm sure other people out there would benefit from having you around. Please stay with us. Be patient and gentle with yourself. The future will keep unfolding. Be curious about how many different ways it could turn out, and change little things to try your hand at nudging life in different directions. Take care, Wes711.

October 3rd, 2010, 08:30 PM	#3
wes711 Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Posts: 2	Thanks so much for your kind and very wise words, they mean a great deal to me. And hugs back to you as well, and I'm sorry that you, too, are going through a painful loss. My situation is actually even worse than what I have related so far. You see, my first husband, who left me after twenty-some years of marriage, has become very disabled from severe bipolar disorder, so I had him move back in with me and I have become a caregiver once again. I don't mind it so much, but it is absolutely heartbreaking for me to see this once vibrant man in such bad shape. So I'm still very lonely and looking for new friends and (especially) lovers. However, I have found that that horrible, severe pain of loss is slowly getting a bit better. Anyway, I hope your life continues to improve. And thank you so very much once again for thinking of me. Wendy