So Depressed...

heyjude · December 8th, 2008, 08:10 PM

Over a month ago my only (adult) child stopped speaking to me because I questioned her "social consciousness". I expected her to blow me off like she did anytime she didn't agree with me. But, no matter how many times I apologized she said I only made it worse and to, "back off!".

We used to be so close, now there is a big empty hole in my broken heart.

I never experienced "empty nest syndrome" when she moved out to go to college or get her own home, because she called me at least 5 days a week to discuss her job, her love life, and her life in general. Now nothing. I don't even know if she is alive and I am not allowed to ask.

I never felt lonely before. Even though nothing else in my life has changed, now I feel so very lonely at times, and I don't know why. I am trying to fill the void with activities and new friends. But when will the pain go away...

Thank goodness I found somewhere where I could pour out my sorrow.

DragonsRain · January 9th, 2009, 01:44 PM

heyjude,

I'm glad u found us and were able to vent. the "loss" you are going through is just as valid as the death of someone or the loss of a job. The pain is all the same, just different circumstances. I am trying to catch up on being away from here so if you are still coming around, reply to me ok? take care of yourself.....

flyingstar2002 · January 11th, 2009, 05:22 AM

Dear Hey Jude,
I am sorry that you are going through such a hard time. I am sure that your daughter does not mean to hurt you. She may have told you to back off because she had a bad day and took it out on you, or she may just think like every young adult who enters college that he or she knows what is best for them. Eventually she will come around and appreciate your love and concern. Just remember that even though she is pushing you away, that she still needs you to be there for her.
Sincerely,
A daughter who knows.

heyjude · January 15th, 2009, 06:12 PM

Thanks for the responses. I have been trying to stay busy and not dwell on it.

It has taught me a lot about forgiveness though and I have truly forgiven two people as a result. (I had always thought that I already forgave them, but actually there was still some resentment.)

Actually, the whole episode has created something like a gale force wind that blew away all past slights, hurts, whatever. I am not sure why, but not being forgiven, caused me to forgive all. I am not explaining this well, because it is not like I was walking around consciously holding grudges. But I guess there must have been some hidden, because by the end of 2008, I was emotionally pounds lighter.

Even if my relationship with my daughter never truly recovers, some good did come out of it.

bwendo · May 20th, 2011, 09:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by heyjude

We used to be so close, now there is a big empty hole in my broken heart.

I never experienced "empty nest syndrome" when she moved out to go to college or get her own home, because she called me at least 5 days a week to discuss her job, her love life, and her life in general. Now nothing. I don't even know if she is alive and I am not allowed to ask.

I am estranged from my mother too. Sometimes, when there is nothing nice to say, silence is the answer.

Be glad she is at peace and has moved on, your neediness is not love.

heyjude · June 12th, 2011, 09:17 AM

bwendo: I am not sure where you read "neediness" in my op. Missing someone you love and are close to does not translate to neediness in my opinion, but hey, to each their own.

An update to others: The crisis resolved itself about a month after I first wrote. We finally talked it out and mis-communication and misunderstandings were the problem. My daughter was hurt because she felt I was disappointed in her. She felt I was questioning her character and in a way I guess I was.

She was always a compassionate and caring kid, but when she graduated from college and got a high paying job, she started to live large, and some of the things she said about the less fortunate, caused me to ask her where was her compassion (not every poor person is lazy and deserving of their fate); did she do anything to give back to the community.

She got hurt, and withdrew from contact. She later told me she was really hurt because she thought I was disappointed in her, when I really just wanted to know if she remembered her roots and her upbringing.

We are now as close as ever, but are more careful in how we treat each other - she promised to never shut me out like that again when I told her how hurt I was. And, I think about my phrasing before I speak just like I would with any other person.

heyjude · June 12th, 2011, 09:38 AM

My daughter did give me a warm fuzzy as a result of all of that. When we were recently discussing the "clearing the air" conversation, I said something I would say to her when she was growing up and questioned rules or discipline, "Cause you know 'I don't want to be responsible for turning loose another tower shooter on society'"

I guess now it would be "school shooter", but anyway, my daughter turned to me and said that if she ever did do something like that it had absolutely nothing to do with how I raised her; her upbringing was just fine.

Graham · July 31st, 2011, 11:49 PM

Well don't worry and there is no need to be depressed and everything will be alright and just give some time to her.

Loomy · November 3rd, 2011, 07:04 AM

All Guys
glading for me , found us and were able to vent. the "loss" you are going through is just as valid as the death of someone or the loss of a job. The pain is all the same, during the various circumstances. Me trying to catch up being away from here so if there would have been you still coming around, needful for positive reply.

Mox00023 · December 14th, 2011, 02:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Loomy

All Guys
glading for me , found us and were able to vent. the "loss" you are going through is just as valid as the death of someone or the loss of a job. The pain is all the same, during the various circumstances. Me trying to catch up being away from here so if there would have been you still coming around, needful for positive reply.

I think you have already done your part in conveying your message to her. Now it is up to her to come back to you and when the time comes, she will. Just be yourself!

December 8th, 2008, 08:10 PM	#1
heyjude Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 8	So Depressed... Over a month ago my only (adult) child stopped speaking to me because I questioned her "social consciousness". I expected her to blow me off like she did anytime she didn't agree with me. But, no matter how many times I apologized she said I only made it worse and to, "back off!". We used to be so close, now there is a big empty hole in my broken heart. I never experienced "empty nest syndrome" when she moved out to go to college or get her own home, because she called me at least 5 days a week to discuss her job, her love life, and her life in general. Now nothing. I don't even know if she is alive and I am not allowed to ask. I never felt lonely before. Even though nothing else in my life has changed, now I feel so very lonely at times, and I don't know why. I am trying to fill the void with activities and new friends. But when will the pain go away... Thank goodness I found somewhere where I could pour out my sorrow.

January 9th, 2009, 01:44 PM	#2
DragonsRain formerly HeartFeltTF ;) Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Upstate NY is where I call home Posts: 61	heyjude, I'm glad u found us and were able to vent. the "loss" you are going through is just as valid as the death of someone or the loss of a job. The pain is all the same, just different circumstances. I am trying to catch up on being away from here so if you are still coming around, reply to me ok? take care of yourself..... __________________ Back on the boards in 2016. Do I sense a comeback? 😜

June 12th, 2011, 09:17 AM	#6
heyjude Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 8	bwendo: I am not sure where you read "neediness" in my op. Missing someone you love and are close to does not translate to neediness in my opinion, but hey, to each their own. An update to others: The crisis resolved itself about a month after I first wrote. We finally talked it out and mis-communication and misunderstandings were the problem. My daughter was hurt because she felt I was disappointed in her. She felt I was questioning her character and in a way I guess I was. She was always a compassionate and caring kid, but when she graduated from college and got a high paying job, she started to live large, and some of the things she said about the less fortunate, caused me to ask her where was her compassion (not every poor person is lazy and deserving of their fate); did she do anything to give back to the community. She got hurt, and withdrew from contact. She later told me she was really hurt because she thought I was disappointed in her, when I really just wanted to know if she remembered her roots and her upbringing. We are now as close as ever, but are more careful in how we treat each other - she promised to never shut me out like that again when I told her how hurt I was. And, I think about my phrasing before I speak just like I would with any other person. Last edited by heyjude; June 12th, 2011 at 09:27 AM. Reason: missing words

June 12th, 2011, 09:38 AM	#7
heyjude Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 8	Btw My daughter did give me a warm fuzzy as a result of all of that. When we were recently discussing the "clearing the air" conversation, I said something I would say to her when she was growing up and questioned rules or discipline, "Cause you know 'I don't want to be responsible for turning loose another tower shooter on society'" I guess now it would be "school shooter", but anyway, my daughter turned to me and said that if she ever did do something like that it had absolutely nothing to do with how I raised her; her upbringing was just fine.

November 3rd, 2011, 07:04 AM	#9
Loomy Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2011 Posts: 13	All Guys glading for me , found us and were able to vent. the "loss" you are going through is just as valid as the death of someone or the loss of a job. The pain is all the same, during the various circumstances. Me trying to catch up being away from here so if there would have been you still coming around, needful for positive reply. __________________ Loomy

January 11th, 2009, 05:22 AM	#3
flyingstar2002 M.A.G. Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 2	Dear Hey Jude, I am sorry that you are going through such a hard time. I am sure that your daughter does not mean to hurt you. She may have told you to back off because she had a bad day and took it out on you, or she may just think like every young adult who enters college that he or she knows what is best for them. Eventually she will come around and appreciate your love and concern. Just remember that even though she is pushing you away, that she still needs you to be there for her. Sincerely, A daughter who knows.

January 15th, 2009, 06:12 PM	#4
heyjude Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 8	Thanks for the responses. I have been trying to stay busy and not dwell on it. It has taught me a lot about forgiveness though and I have truly forgiven two people as a result. (I had always thought that I already forgave them, but actually there was still some resentment.) Actually, the whole episode has created something like a gale force wind that blew away all past slights, hurts, whatever. I am not sure why, but not being forgiven, caused me to forgive all. I am not explaining this well, because it is not like I was walking around consciously holding grudges. But I guess there must have been some hidden, because by the end of 2008, I was emotionally pounds lighter. Even if my relationship with my daughter never truly recovers, some good did come out of it.

July 31st, 2011, 11:49 PM	#8
Graham Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: USA Posts: 15	Well don't worry and there is no need to be depressed and everything will be alright and just give some time to her.