How do you reconcile/grieve the loss?

Kodiak · January 14th, 2009, 12:22 AM

I lost my father in July 2006 and just recently my stepfather in September of 2008, both to cancer. I haven't reconciled/grieved these two loses. At least, I don't think I have.

Part of me tells me "they are gone, move on". Another part tells me that I should do something, feel something; I cried at the funerals, and when making arrangements for my father. I don't think, however, that that is the same as grieving. I am not sure I am capable of that and I think that it may have come back to haunt me (as additional baggage) in the issues I'm facing now.

heyjude · January 15th, 2009, 06:25 PM

Grief is weird and I will not even try to tell you what your's will be like. There are certain stages that are the accepted way things will go, but even those are subject to individual personalities and circumstances.

My dad died in 1996 and for a long time (years) afterward I would find myself missing him and crying at the most inopportune times. At my desk at work. While hiking. If I thought of something to tell him. But eventually, I would think of him and smile.

If you feel guilt or anger for whatever reasons, I would guess your grieving process would be more complicated as you try to come to terms with not being able to resolve outstanding issues/conflicts. (I lived @3000 miles from my family and didn't make it back in time - my dad died while I was en route, so I had some guilt issues to deal with while grieving.)

Be kind to yourself, and accept that you are in a fragile state. Hopefully, as time passes, you too will be able to think of your father & stepfather and smile at the memories.

Kodiak · January 16th, 2009, 12:20 AM

Thanks heyjude. I wasn't there for my father. I didn't even notice. He died not a week after we left him from a visit home. He never made any verbal indication and I never even noticed him being sick (apart from how he was always coughing because of the cigarettes and cigars). So there's a lot of guilt there.

I was there to visit my stepfather, but the person I saw in that hospital bed was not the person I grew up with. He died a few days after we left there. At least we got to say goodbye and he got to see our daughter one more time. We even got pictures made and left them in his bed. But again, more guilt there.

IRISH_EYES_99 · January 16th, 2009, 03:15 PM

((((((((( kodiac & heyjude ))))))))),

I giving you both hugs. Grief is such an individual thing. The truth is as much as we are alike we are different. Lost my oldest sister the same week my son got married. It was a very crazy time for me.
Anne was buried on a Wed, the next day was the rehearsal for my son's wedding. Yes, I danced at his wedding. Very happy for him. They are a great couple. At the same time my heart was aching.

Though the years my relationship with my sister was strained to say the least. We were able to work things out, at the time we did her Parkinson's was already taking it's toll.

However you need to work it out do it for you. do it for your piece of mind.
With my father it took me years, but I wrote him a note buried it at his gravesite. There had been things that needed to be said. In order for me to go on with my life here. I forgave him for the things he did, the things he said.. all the hurt though the years. Doing that for me made it easier for me to go on.

Selfish or Self- ish the Ish being able to move forward. Sincerely hope you find your way forward. Good luck, God Bless. It's ok to fall back a step then pull yourself up and move 2 steps forward.

Took a good look at myself. Took two steps forward. Found out I like myself I like who I am. So find a way to look at yourself accept who you are, what you can do. What you can't do put away for safe keeping until you can do. If you find that you still can'd do, know that it's ok just being you.

btw I like you

afk12 · February 13th, 2010, 04:58 AM

(kodiak)
i lost my grandmother in 2006. it was very hard for me because even though she was my grandmother she was my mother. let me tell you something. the pain will never go away. ever. the pain of losing someone close to you is very hard and it hurts a lot. however it will get easier to move on with your daily life. you will find that you can look back and smile without feeling grief. there will be times that it will be hard but you will be able to move on without feeling raw. life will get easier but i agree with (heyjude) it is the same for me- at odd moments i will be thinking of her and cry. you will get better. your heart will be battered but you will be able to breathe without having tears at the back of your eyes.
remember: you are strong, you are loved, and people out there care about you. you will get through this and it's ok to be sad.
just remember to breathe.

January 14th, 2009, 12:22 AM	#1
Kodiak formerly KodiakTF... Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Montgomery, AL Posts: 13	How do you reconcile/grieve the loss? I lost my father in July 2006 and just recently my stepfather in September of 2008, both to cancer. I haven't reconciled/grieved these two loses. At least, I don't think I have. Part of me tells me "they are gone, move on". Another part tells me that I should do something, feel something; I cried at the funerals, and when making arrangements for my father. I don't think, however, that that is the same as grieving. I am not sure I am capable of that and I think that it may have come back to haunt me (as additional baggage) in the issues I'm facing now. __________________ Ongoing walkabout... I'm never gonna get home...

January 16th, 2009, 12:20 AM	#3
Kodiak formerly KodiakTF... Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Montgomery, AL Posts: 13	Thanks heyjude. I wasn't there for my father. I didn't even notice. He died not a week after we left him from a visit home. He never made any verbal indication and I never even noticed him being sick (apart from how he was always coughing because of the cigarettes and cigars). So there's a lot of guilt there. I was there to visit my stepfather, but the person I saw in that hospital bed was not the person I grew up with. He died a few days after we left there. At least we got to say goodbye and he got to see our daughter one more time. We even got pictures made and left them in his bed. But again, more guilt there. __________________ Ongoing walkabout... I'm never gonna get home...

January 16th, 2009, 03:15 PM	#4
IRISH_EYES_99 Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 60	((((((((( kodiac & heyjude ))))))))), I giving you both hugs. Grief is such an individual thing. The truth is as much as we are alike we are different. Lost my oldest sister the same week my son got married. It was a very crazy time for me. Anne was buried on a Wed, the next day was the rehearsal for my son's wedding. Yes, I danced at his wedding. Very happy for him. They are a great couple. At the same time my heart was aching. Though the years my relationship with my sister was strained to say the least. We were able to work things out, at the time we did her Parkinson's was already taking it's toll. However you need to work it out do it for you. do it for your piece of mind. With my father it took me years, but I wrote him a note buried it at his gravesite. There had been things that needed to be said. In order for me to go on with my life here. I forgave him for the things he did, the things he said.. all the hurt though the years. Doing that for me made it easier for me to go on. Selfish or Self- ish the Ish being able to move forward. Sincerely hope you find your way forward. Good luck, God Bless. It's ok to fall back a step then pull yourself up and move 2 steps forward. Took a good look at myself. Took two steps forward. Found out I like myself I like who I am. So find a way to look at yourself accept who you are, what you can do. What you can't do put away for safe keeping until you can do. If you find that you still can'd do, know that it's ok just being you. btw I like you __________________ [COLOR=teal]May your blessings out number the shamrocks that grow... May trouble avoid you whereever you go...... An Irish Blessing[/COLOR]

January 15th, 2009, 06:25 PM	#2
heyjude Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 6	Grief is weird and I will not even try to tell you what your's will be like. There are certain stages that are the accepted way things will go, but even those are subject to individual personalities and circumstances. My dad died in 1996 and for a long time (years) afterward I would find myself missing him and crying at the most inopportune times. At my desk at work. While hiking. If I thought of something to tell him. But eventually, I would think of him and smile. If you feel guilt or anger for whatever reasons, I would guess your grieving process would be more complicated as you try to come to terms with not being able to resolve outstanding issues/conflicts. (I lived @3000 miles from my family and didn't make it back in time - my dad died while I was en route, so I had some guilt issues to deal with while grieving.) Be kind to yourself, and accept that you are in a fragile state. Hopefully, as time passes, you too will be able to think of your father & stepfather and smile at the memories.

February 13th, 2010, 04:58 AM	#5
afk12 Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 4	(kodiak) i lost my grandmother in 2006. it was very hard for me because even though she was my grandmother she was my mother. let me tell you something. the pain will never go away. ever. the pain of losing someone close to you is very hard and it hurts a lot. however it will get easier to move on with your daily life. you will find that you can look back and smile without feeling grief. there will be times that it will be hard but you will be able to move on without feeling raw. life will get easier but i agree with (heyjude) it is the same for me- at odd moments i will be thinking of her and cry. you will get better. your heart will be battered but you will be able to breathe without having tears at the back of your eyes. remember: you are strong, you are loved, and people out there care about you. you will get through this and it's ok to be sad. just remember to breathe.