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Old October 23rd, 2008, 04:02 AM   #1
Lady Echo
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Default Where does it all come from?

Greetings, I'm new to this forum but I hope to find some insight with others who are dealing with the same issues.

Ever since I discovered what gender identity is, and subsequently realized how it affected me, I have experienced possibly every emotion known to humankind. Joy at discovering my true self; despair at having to explain it to friends and family...Liberation from the old gender; entrapment due to lack of finances (and being unable to return to lines of work previously enjoyed by the old gender) and so on.

Since my discovery, I had decided to try transitioning on my own, without any support from family or professional staff. While I do not regret this decision, this lack of support has stunted my growth as a woman. It has been nearly 3 years since I began, and while I will never go back, it seems to be difficult moving forward.

Environmental factors contribute to the deficit, such as social phobia, depression, and a backwards internal clock. I cannot sleep at night, but daytime sleep poses no problems...I have tried many times to reverse this strange cycle, but to no avail.

I never leave the house without proper clothing and makeup. In fact, rarely do I lounge about my own home without these things. Granted, it is not likely for someone to visit at 2:00AM, but I do not do this for other people, rather, I do it for myself.

In spite of everything, however, the issue on the forefront of my mind, day in and day out, is how I am going to raise funds for my treatment. I am of the mindset that individuals should strive toward independence in all things, and this includes finances. Therefore, I do not ask for help, particularly with money, because some synapse within my brain continuously fires off and reminds me that I can do it myself.

But the fact of the matter is that I cannot. Perhaps if I had stayed in the military a bit longer, or if I had been able to transition on my above-average middle-class job, or if my parents had understood what I had been going through at an early age and helped me through it even before high school. Perhaps, but I am not one to dwell on the past. I have made mistakes, and I am not afraid to admit them.

However, despite being able to learn from my mistakes, some are irreversible. I will never be able to join the army again, even though it may have possibly been the best job I could have ever had (politics nonwithstanding). And, knowing what I know today, had I remained enlisted, I suspect something would have escaped into the prying eyes of bored young soldiers, and eventually my privacy would no longer have been very private. And, these soldiers' perception of me would instantly change. I would no longer have been a fellow warrior in their eyes, to be lauded when accomplishments were made, but rather a freak of nature to be ridiculed, beaten, and ultimately destroyed, after a fashion. Because that's what soldiers are best at, destruction. Particularly bored young soldiers with active imaginations and homophobic upbringings.

All rants aside, however, I believe the best chance I would have had to raise money for myself died along with my honorable discharge. Try as I might, I have not since been able to secure any job worth mention since I began to transition, despite the liberating quality of the experience. There are things I would like to do, of course. Things I would have to go to school for. And of course, school costs money, which adds to the cycle.

I'm not one to ask for handouts. I am much too proud to ask for help even when I really need it. But this has gone on long enough, and I am learning to be humble enough to know when and how to ask for help.

That said, if anyone who has had the patience to read through this has any knowledge of any groups that help struggling trans-folk, I would be most grateful.

Any thoughts or discussion on anything else I've ranted about are welcome as well.
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Old October 31st, 2008, 04:36 PM   #2
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Lady Echo, the first thing I would do is find a good therapist. You have taken a huge step and not one that can be done with out some kind of impartial support. I wish you good luck.
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Old May 26th, 2010, 09:44 PM   #3
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some good friends to talk about this would help too, I think..
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Old September 2nd, 2010, 12:28 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by botusli1 View Post
some good friends to talk about this would help too, I think..
this is true... good friends really helps
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Old July 31st, 2011, 11:41 PM   #5
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Yes i also agree with you people that good friends always help a lot and they are the real assets that support you..
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Old November 1st, 2012, 05:02 AM   #6
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Default Where does it all come from

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