Loving an abusive-type man

Angel-Sue · September 6th, 2010, 03:27 PM

I want to make this as breif as possible...
Almost 2 years ago I met someone I thought was Mr. Terrific. Very soon into the relationship I discovered he was full of lies. I stayed. Shame on me but I thought I could help him and the lies were not ones that seemed that bad....at first. We split up several times, I always took him back. Hey, I loved him. The last break up was 3 months ago. While we keep in touch, and have spent time together, he now talks in very disturbing ways. He is becoming more permiscuous and I have stopped intimacy with him. It frightens me. He expects me to believe that he has never been unfaithful to me. I do believe him, so far...but I don't believe he will remain that way and he tells me he is going to have sex with someone else. He also tells me any woman who offers to give him oral sex, or that wants oral sex, he will participate willingly. He is very good looking and women seem to go for him.Yet everyone he has dated in the last 4 years has dumped him sooner or later. He is a sad case but this is just wrong.
I was reading an article online about emitional abuse and he fits the bill...to a T.
I am backing away...it is a shame, there is SOOOO much good deep inside of him. SOOOO much worthwhile "man" in there. But he is just turning into such a lost soul.
Does anyone have any input into how to talk to someone like this to make them see what they are doing to themselves? Is it even worth the bother? Although I do believe everyone IS worthwhile...maybe these people have to come to the 'conclusion' all on their own...perhaps we cannot tell them anything. Sometimes he is open to needing help, other times he is just horrid.
He is not a huge drinker, but does love to party, and he smokes pot. He also is a heavy cigareete smoker, gambles online...and has used other drugs in the past. Am I just nuts to try?

Latoya · November 15th, 2010, 12:12 PM

I understanfd you completely. Unfortunately for me, I married him. We only been married for about 4 months. The 3rd month of the marriage he left the home and went to live with his mother. Then, he returns at his free will.

I should have known before I married him that he was a slime ball. He would sit on Facebook and email women and tell them how beautiful they are. He even before we got married started texting and talking to his ex-girlfriend. We were broke up for one day after a year dating and he runs back to his ex-girlfriend. He is sneaky, cunning, and unfaithful. I sometimes wish we had never met.

He came home on November 14, 2010 promising to change. However, he left his cellphone at the house while taking the girls to school and I took a peek at it. I saw this number where he called it 8 times back to back while he was at work. I even saw a text that was sent from the ex-girlfriend which had expired. I know it was a provocative picture message due to the size of the kilobytes.

What do you do when you love a person like this? I honestly think that I should leave like he did and never turn back. I honestly think they do not know the difference between right and wrong. I just hope God convicts his heart and he turn from his ways.

He too is a gambler. He has spent every paycheck in the month of August and September on gambling. I had a pretty large insurance settlement and he managed to go through that also. Therefore, I know the pain and hurt you are going through.

The best thing to do is get in touch with a good counselor and build up your emotional health so when the day comes where you want to wash your hands of him, you will be ready.

kayakgirl831 · April 6th, 2011, 07:47 AM

My advice to you would be to get yourself into therapy to find out why you believe you don't deserve a better man. It has taken me three relationships with different versions of Mr. Unavailable/Mr. Assclown/narcissistic/avoidant types to realize that you will keep choosing men who are dirt bags as long as you believe this is what you deserve. I am now out of the latest relationship with a Mr. Unavailable/codependent for six months after close to a two year relationship with many breakups and reconciliations. Each time I went back, I gave up a part of myself and it was harder to recover. This time though I am done with him for good. I am no longer going to tolerate someone invading my boundaries and being afraid to stand up for myself. Know what you are worth and you will change the type of person you attract into your life.

September 6th, 2010, 03:27 PM	#1
Angel-Sue Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Yarmouth Nova Scotia Posts: 3	Loving an abusive-type man I want to make this as breif as possible... Almost 2 years ago I met someone I thought was Mr. Terrific. Very soon into the relationship I discovered he was full of lies. I stayed. Shame on me but I thought I could help him and the lies were not ones that seemed that bad....at first. We split up several times, I always took him back. Hey, I loved him. The last break up was 3 months ago. While we keep in touch, and have spent time together, he now talks in very disturbing ways. He is becoming more permiscuous and I have stopped intimacy with him. It frightens me. He expects me to believe that he has never been unfaithful to me. I do believe him, so far...but I don't believe he will remain that way and he tells me he is going to have sex with someone else. He also tells me any woman who offers to give him oral sex, or that wants oral sex, he will participate willingly. He is very good looking and women seem to go for him.Yet everyone he has dated in the last 4 years has dumped him sooner or later. He is a sad case but this is just wrong. I was reading an article online about emitional abuse and he fits the bill...to a T. I am backing away...it is a shame, there is SOOOO much good deep inside of him. SOOOO much worthwhile "man" in there. But he is just turning into such a lost soul. Does anyone have any input into how to talk to someone like this to make them see what they are doing to themselves? Is it even worth the bother? Although I do believe everyone IS worthwhile...maybe these people have to come to the 'conclusion' all on their own...perhaps we cannot tell them anything. Sometimes he is open to needing help, other times he is just horrid. He is not a huge drinker, but does love to party, and he smokes pot. He also is a heavy cigareete smoker, gambles online...and has used other drugs in the past. Am I just nuts to try?

November 15th, 2010, 12:12 PM	#2
Latoya Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Montgomery, Al Posts: 3	I understanfd you completely. Unfortunately for me, I married him. We only been married for about 4 months. The 3rd month of the marriage he left the home and went to live with his mother. Then, he returns at his free will. I should have known before I married him that he was a slime ball. He would sit on Facebook and email women and tell them how beautiful they are. He even before we got married started texting and talking to his ex-girlfriend. We were broke up for one day after a year dating and he runs back to his ex-girlfriend. He is sneaky, cunning, and unfaithful. I sometimes wish we had never met. He came home on November 14, 2010 promising to change. However, he left his cellphone at the house while taking the girls to school and I took a peek at it. I saw this number where he called it 8 times back to back while he was at work. I even saw a text that was sent from the ex-girlfriend which had expired. I know it was a provocative picture message due to the size of the kilobytes. What do you do when you love a person like this? I honestly think that I should leave like he did and never turn back. I honestly think they do not know the difference between right and wrong. I just hope God convicts his heart and he turn from his ways. He too is a gambler. He has spent every paycheck in the month of August and September on gambling. I had a pretty large insurance settlement and he managed to go through that also. Therefore, I know the pain and hurt you are going through. The best thing to do is get in touch with a good counselor and build up your emotional health so when the day comes where you want to wash your hands of him, you will be ready.

April 6th, 2011, 07:47 AM	#3
kayakgirl831 Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: Connecticut Posts: 1	My advice to you would be to get yourself into therapy to find out why you believe you don't deserve a better man. It has taken me three relationships with different versions of Mr. Unavailable/Mr. Assclown/narcissistic/avoidant types to realize that you will keep choosing men who are dirt bags as long as you believe this is what you deserve. I am now out of the latest relationship with a Mr. Unavailable/codependent for six months after close to a two year relationship with many breakups and reconciliations. Each time I went back, I gave up a part of myself and it was harder to recover. This time though I am done with him for good. I am no longer going to tolerate someone invading my boundaries and being afraid to stand up for myself. Know what you are worth and you will change the type of person you attract into your life.