Re-learning Healthy Thinking

PBS · June 23rd, 2008, 11:31 AM

I am in a new relationship... it is new. Almost four months old. I asked him - his name is Bruce - yesterday... how do I get over the fear of disappointing you? sigh.

And..it made me think... (which I do alot and probably not to my benefit!!).

I have a number of issues i'm still working through....and probably will be for years.

For 9 years, I tip-toed around my life. Afraid that if I said something in the wrong tone, or with the wrong word that I would be chastised and punished. For 5 years, I tip-toed around my house praying that I didn't step to hard on the floor or voice the wrong opinion - because again, I would be punished.

Punishment was not physical - there was no hitting me. It was all mental... silence. complete withdrawl. and always the look that said "you are not worthy."

So, I meet this man... who ASKS my opinions...who DESIRES my input, and who VALUES who I am and wants no changes, needs nothing else but who i am right now..and how is patient and kind...who can talk me through a panic attack with an understanding and endlessly loving voice.

I am completely comfortable with him.... to the point that he knows that I was abused as a child, and that it is a part of me that will be there for forever. I have also told him about my last relationship.

So, while I am re-learning Healthy Thinking... it is difficult...and I still haven't mastered the answer to... How do i get over the fear of disappointing him?

sigh.

DragonsRain · June 23rd, 2008, 04:00 PM

I don't know if you ever will get over that fear as it was such a major part of your past life. But now you are starting anew, and so if at all possible, remember that there is no way you could ever disappoint him, except maybe if you kept ur fears from him. Let him be your angel hun, your rock. That is what Lisa is for me and has never let me side even with all my bad qualities. Hugs hun and chin up

kraftykid · June 23rd, 2008, 06:35 PM

"How do i get over the fear of disappointing him?"

This is my third attempt at answering your post, and each time it gets shorter....

PBS you are a very caring person, but now you have to start caring about yourself and getting over those fears. Fear will keep you on the egg shells. Trust in yourself, your therapist and in him. Smash all those egg shells and you will be walking on solid ground again.

I know it is not an overnight fix, but one that you will have to make. For a long time I wore a rubber band on my wrist and when I had bad thoughts of hurting myself I would snap that rubber band. The constant snapping of that band kept me focused on what was good for me.

I tried using the rubber band to quit smoking too. It didn't work on that. I would snap and then smoke ahahahahah

(((((((((( PBS ))))))))))

crazymomma · June 23rd, 2008, 09:26 PM

(((((((PBS))))))) You are one of the luckiest women I know. You went throught so much and now you have someone who when you talk to they listen to you. I should be so lucky! But you know me and you know what I have gone throught and still am. I hope to have your courage some day.

PBS · June 24th, 2008, 09:46 PM

CrazyMomma... YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE BETTER!!! It is SOOOOO hard to let go! I'm telling you... I KNOW!!!!!!! But you will. And..you are right..i am a LUCKY WOMAN...he is totally sooooooooooo good to me. When I get an email, a voicemail, or I know he's at the door...i smile and my daughter says... "I know that Smile... that's your Bruce smile".

She said to me today... you smile alot now. I like that. that totally made me both sad and happy.

Sad that she knew the pain and sadness that was in me... and happiness that she is seeing finally that life isn't supposed to be the way it was...AND that her mom CAN be happy.

(((((((((((((((((((((((CRAZYMOMMA))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))

we are here for the listening if ya want to talk!

crazymomma · June 25th, 2008, 02:04 PM

((((((PBS)))))) I know I deserve more and better. Right now I can't go because the kids need me here. I have already told him I don't want to stay. That after he has his surgery I will be going after he is able to take care of things alone. I just want to be happy again,like I was when we first started to be together. Thanks for being there.

Loomy · November 10th, 2011, 05:16 AM

Hi
Everybody knows well me that me deserve more and better. Right now I can't go because the kids need me here. I have already told him I don't want to stay.

June 23rd, 2008, 11:31 AM	#1
PBS aka HarmonyTF Join Date: May 2008 Location: colorado Posts: 66	Re-learning Healthy Thinking I am in a new relationship... it is new. Almost four months old. I asked him - his name is Bruce - yesterday... how do I get over the fear of disappointing you? sigh. And..it made me think... (which I do alot and probably not to my benefit!!). I have a number of issues i'm still working through....and probably will be for years. For 9 years, I tip-toed around my life. Afraid that if I said something in the wrong tone, or with the wrong word that I would be chastised and punished. For 5 years, I tip-toed around my house praying that I didn't step to hard on the floor or voice the wrong opinion - because again, I would be punished. Punishment was not physical - there was no hitting me. It was all mental... silence. complete withdrawl. and always the look that said "you are not worthy." So, I meet this man... who ASKS my opinions...who DESIRES my input, and who VALUES who I am and wants no changes, needs nothing else but who i am right now..and how is patient and kind...who can talk me through a panic attack with an understanding and endlessly loving voice. I am completely comfortable with him.... to the point that he knows that I was abused as a child, and that it is a part of me that will be there for forever. I have also told him about my last relationship. So, while I am re-learning Healthy Thinking... it is difficult...and I still haven't mastered the answer to... How do i get over the fear of disappointing him? sigh. __________________ `````````````````````````````````````` Hugs.... PoohsBigsister aka... HarmonyTF

June 23rd, 2008, 04:00 PM	#2
DragonsRain formerly HeartFeltTF ;) Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Upstate NY is where I call home Posts: 61	I don't know if you ever will get over that fear as it was such a major part of your past life. But now you are starting anew, and so if at all possible, remember that there is no way you could ever disappoint him, except maybe if you kept ur fears from him. Let him be your angel hun, your rock. That is what Lisa is for me and has never let me side even with all my bad qualities. Hugs hun and chin up __________________ Back on the boards in 2016. Do I sense a comeback? 😜

June 24th, 2008, 09:46 PM	#5
PBS aka HarmonyTF Join Date: May 2008 Location: colorado Posts: 66	CrazyMomma... YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE BETTER!!! It is SOOOOO hard to let go! I'm telling you... I KNOW!!!!!!! But you will. And..you are right..i am a LUCKY WOMAN...he is totally sooooooooooo good to me. When I get an email, a voicemail, or I know he's at the door...i smile and my daughter says... "I know that Smile... that's your Bruce smile". She said to me today... you smile alot now. I like that. that totally made me both sad and happy. Sad that she knew the pain and sadness that was in me... and happiness that she is seeing finally that life isn't supposed to be the way it was...AND that her mom CAN be happy. (((((((((((((((((((((((CRAZYMOMMA))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))) we are here for the listening if ya want to talk! __________________ `````````````````````````````````````` Hugs.... PoohsBigsister aka... HarmonyTF

November 10th, 2011, 05:16 AM	#7
Loomy Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2011 Posts: 13	Re-learning Healthy Hi Everybody knows well me that me deserve more and better. Right now I can't go because the kids need me here. I have already told him I don't want to stay. __________________ Loomy

June 23rd, 2008, 06:35 PM	#3
kraftykid Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 83	"How do i get over the fear of disappointing him?" This is my third attempt at answering your post, and each time it gets shorter.... PBS you are a very caring person, but now you have to start caring about yourself and getting over those fears. Fear will keep you on the egg shells. Trust in yourself, your therapist and in him. Smash all those egg shells and you will be walking on solid ground again. I know it is not an overnight fix, but one that you will have to make. For a long time I wore a rubber band on my wrist and when I had bad thoughts of hurting myself I would snap that rubber band. The constant snapping of that band kept me focused on what was good for me. I tried using the rubber band to quit smoking too. It didn't work on that. I would snap and then smoke ahahahahah (((((((((( PBS ))))))))))

June 23rd, 2008, 09:26 PM	#4
crazymomma awesome cookie maker Join Date: May 2008 Location: Utica,NY Posts: 29	(((((((PBS))))))) You are one of the luckiest women I know. You went throught so much and now you have someone who when you talk to they listen to you. I should be so lucky! But you know me and you know what I have gone throught and still am. I hope to have your courage some day.

June 25th, 2008, 02:04 PM	#6
crazymomma awesome cookie maker Join Date: May 2008 Location: Utica,NY Posts: 29	((((((PBS)))))) I know I deserve more and better. Right now I can't go because the kids need me here. I have already told him I don't want to stay. That after he has his surgery I will be going after he is able to take care of things alone. I just want to be happy again,like I was when we first started to be together. Thanks for being there.