How am I supposed to get through this without them? - Page 2

Kat · March 14th, 2010, 09:37 AM

I am new to this. I lost my beloved husband, companion, best friend to sudden death in October '09. It was very quick and unexpected. At first friends and family were "there for me", but as time goes on when I try to talk to any of them about it, it's "oh, there she goes again, wish she would get on with her life". I have joined a grief support group but it's hard to bring it back up again and most times at night I relive what happened over and over and question myself,"did I do enough to try to save him". The docs even said they never expected this to happen. My sons say they are tired of hearing about "my husband" and say I never talk about them losing "their dad". That one really hurt. My mom and her husband ask me if I feel like committing suicide. Get that one! The night of his visitation at the funeral home, I had been on my feet for 3 hours (over 400+ people came by to pay their respects) I left and drove home by myself. Needed to get away from "people". About 1/4 mile from my home, I missed a sharp curve in the road and ended up in the ditch almost hitting a telephone pole. I don't even remember what happened. My mom's husband had the nerve Christmas Eve to call me and ask me if I tried to kill myself and the next day on Christmas Day my mom called and said I had to put on a "happy face" for my sons and grandchildren. She forgets what it felt like when my dad died 32 years ago. She told me I needed to quit trying to crawl into the grave with my husband. It was only 2 months after his death! I never expected insensitivity from my mother. Most people just ignore me and avoid conversation altogether, friends and church members. The only place I can really talk is support group once a week and I have to share that time with other people who need to talk. Sometimes I feel that I could drop off the face of the earth and no-one would even miss me. Get over it! That's what I have been told. We were married 33 years and we were very close.

lotsoflovelizzie · June 22nd, 2010, 11:11 PM

You sound like you cared about your boyfriend and loved him very much. It sounds also like you were good to him, loyal, loving, caring, supportive etc... Because of this don't beat up on yourself for losing him and think that you could have should have done xyz differently. Try to be as gentle and as kind to yourself as possible, remind yourself of all the loving things you did for him, all the times you were there for him, little gifts you gave him to brighten up his day etc... and after each of those memories tell yourself " I was as good to him as I could have been at the time" and repeat it over and over. Losing someone does not mean that your life, that your health, that your mental well being should have to suffer. The person you lost who loved you and who you were close to would not want you to hurt yourself, be miserable, not take care of yourself because they're gone. They would want you to be good to yourself. So please be as gentle to yourself as possible. Watch tv shows that make you happy, watch movies that make you happy, write a list of all the things you like about yourself, write a list of all the things that people who know you have said that are kind about you, buy flowers if you like them and other little things for yourself to treat yourself, reach out for help. Love yourself and keep fighting! I have lost a boyfriend too and went through similar feelings and pain. Much easier for me to give advice to others than to help myself so I joined here to get some feedback and thoughts from others. I want you to do what I couldn't do for myself earlier on and take my advice as best you can to do those good, caring things for yourself and be gentle and kind to yourself. God bless. I wish that lots of success and happiness comes your way.
Love Lizzie : )

March 14th, 2010, 09:37 AM	#11
Kat Junior Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 1	I am new to this. I lost my beloved husband, companion, best friend to sudden death in October '09. It was very quick and unexpected. At first friends and family were "there for me", but as time goes on when I try to talk to any of them about it, it's "oh, there she goes again, wish she would get on with her life". I have joined a grief support group but it's hard to bring it back up again and most times at night I relive what happened over and over and question myself,"did I do enough to try to save him". The docs even said they never expected this to happen. My sons say they are tired of hearing about "my husband" and say I never talk about them losing "their dad". That one really hurt. My mom and her husband ask me if I feel like committing suicide. Get that one! The night of his visitation at the funeral home, I had been on my feet for 3 hours (over 400+ people came by to pay their respects) I left and drove home by myself. Needed to get away from "people". About 1/4 mile from my home, I missed a sharp curve in the road and ended up in the ditch almost hitting a telephone pole. I don't even remember what happened. My mom's husband had the nerve Christmas Eve to call me and ask me if I tried to kill myself and the next day on Christmas Day my mom called and said I had to put on a "happy face" for my sons and grandchildren. She forgets what it felt like when my dad died 32 years ago. She told me I needed to quit trying to crawl into the grave with my husband. It was only 2 months after his death! I never expected insensitivity from my mother. Most people just ignore me and avoid conversation altogether, friends and church members. The only place I can really talk is support group once a week and I have to share that time with other people who need to talk. Sometimes I feel that I could drop off the face of the earth and no-one would even miss me. Get over it! That's what I have been told. We were married 33 years and we were very close.

June 22nd, 2010, 11:11 PM	#12
lotsoflovelizzie Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 3	You sound like you cared about your boyfriend and loved him very much. It sounds also like you were good to him, loyal, loving, caring, supportive etc... Because of this don't beat up on yourself for losing him and think that you could have should have done xyz differently. Try to be as gentle and as kind to yourself as possible, remind yourself of all the loving things you did for him, all the times you were there for him, little gifts you gave him to brighten up his day etc... and after each of those memories tell yourself " I was as good to him as I could have been at the time" and repeat it over and over. Losing someone does not mean that your life, that your health, that your mental well being should have to suffer. The person you lost who loved you and who you were close to would not want you to hurt yourself, be miserable, not take care of yourself because they're gone. They would want you to be good to yourself. So please be as gentle to yourself as possible. Watch tv shows that make you happy, watch movies that make you happy, write a list of all the things you like about yourself, write a list of all the things that people who know you have said that are kind about you, buy flowers if you like them and other little things for yourself to treat yourself, reach out for help. Love yourself and keep fighting! I have lost a boyfriend too and went through similar feelings and pain. Much easier for me to give advice to others than to help myself so I joined here to get some feedback and thoughts from others. I want you to do what I couldn't do for myself earlier on and take my advice as best you can to do those good, caring things for yourself and be gentle and kind to yourself. God bless. I wish that lots of success and happiness comes your way. Love Lizzie : )