Don't know what to do

Dogma72 · February 26th, 2010, 01:57 PM

Hi,

I have been married for 12 years and have two wonderful children with my wife. We have had a few issues in our marriage, but normally nothing very serious very often. We did have a huge issue about 5 years ago and it very nearly ended our relationship in divorce, but, we were able to work through it, and life has been really good since then. Well until a few months ago.

I work offshore, mostly in southeast asia, and we live in the USA. I work a rotation - 28 days on, 28 days off. I have been doing this for about 3 years or so. The job makes me very happy, very satisfied and the money is really good which has made alot of things alot easier around our household.

My current problems started about 3 months ago. Towards one of the ends of my rotations, i guess i just started feeling like I was in a funk. I wasn't able to put my finger on it, and in fact, i didn't even realize it at first. So, what started out as a little funk gradually grew over the next several months - i wrote it off as stress, as the holidays, as whatever. Finally about a month ago, i realized that the reason I was in a funk is because something was wrong with my wife. She wasn't complimenting me the way she normally would, we would physically not touch as much as normal - no fights, no arguments, just a 'cooling' of our relationship. Shortly before the point at which i realized that i was in a serious funk it got downright frigid. I confronted her with some reasons that i thought might be responsible for why i was feeling the way that i was and that ended up backfiring on me and she kinda unloaded on me with both barrels. She told me the issue was that i spent too much time in the evenings on my laptop - which, fair enough, i did, but, honestly I didn't realize that it was a problem that affected her because ever since the near divorce experience i had really really been trying to make a point that no activity of mine would ever have a negative impact on our relationship. I asked her all the time if she was happy, if i could do things better and at no time during the years prior to this funk did she ever indicate that i was anything but a saint who made her ridiculously happy.

Well, after the double barrel shotgun unloading - while i'm overseas for 3 weeks of training, she goes into a funk. I of course wanted to talk about it, try and figure out what the problem was so that we could work on a solution, but, she told me she wants me to back off and give her some space.

I guess she is entitled to that, but i want to be there for her, i want to be emotionally available. It is really affecting me that i can't see her, or here her voice and i know its selfish, but, not getting any feedback on where our relationship stands is driving me nuts - i am having problems sleeping, i am having panic attacks. I honestly don't know what to do, I don't know if she is gonna come out of this and tell me that I'm not what she needs. I won't say that I have given up alot for her, but, i guess in some ways, i feel like i have. For instance, we don't live anywhere near any of my friends - although my family does live nearby, we live in a suburb vs. in the city or in the country. I don't know, i know its stupid, but, i feel like the fate of my marriage is completely out of my control and that scares the every living bejesus out of me. I have worked really hard to try and be the best possible husband and best possible father and i have to believe that those efforts have to have resulted in some successes. I love my wife so much and i just want to make her as happy as possible, but, i just don't know what to do and the feeling of helplessness is terrifying to me.

please help

elephantshoes · February 26th, 2010, 03:24 PM

I'm sure I'm quite younger than you and I might not be much help but I want to try. My advice is maybe on your time off starting seeing a therapist on your own to talk about whats going on. And as you keep going there might be a time when you are able to really tell your wife what your feeling in a way that comes out to help you both grow. I'm sure every marriage goes through the same thing and some fail. But you need to "respark" your marriage. Suprise her with something that she has always wanted...or take a weekend getaway.

And maybe along with you seeing a therapist...maybe it would be time for marriage counseling. But then again maybe your wife will come out of it. She could be feeling neglected and not knowing what to do herself. It could be that she wants you to take control and help her get out of this "funk". Try to find each other again. I know working the way that you do is hard and people lose each other doing that. But everything happens for a reason and one day you'll wake up and realize exactly what you need to do. Just stay strong...and try to "respark" your relationship with your wife.

Best Wishes!

Dogma72 · February 26th, 2010, 04:07 PM

I think I pretty much agree with what you are saying. I was thinking at looking at what therapists might be covered by our insurance and then seeing if i could get in.

I don't think she feels unappreciated, but, i do think - and respect - that she has a very difficult lot in life. I'm gone have the year and she's responsible for the kids - one with severe adhd, the dishes, the laundry, the dog, the etc. etc. etc. Then I come home, and i'm jet lagged and exhausted and we have just come out of the holidays, we have been working on remodelling a house with some friends of ours (to be fair that place has been a nightmare) and lets be honest, i'm a guy and honestly, i know that i don't help around the house nearly as much as i should. That is a subject that we have visited many times in the past. Of course i make promises to help more, and usually do, but, inevitably i stop. But, honestly, isn't that a problem that is common to almost every single marriage? (the man never helps out enough around the house?)

elephantshoes · March 7th, 2010, 02:46 PM

I hope things get better for you. I don't want things to get to the point where you can't fix them. But things will become clear on what you have to do. And yes I suppose there is that common issue of the guy not helping out enough...but if thats what it takes to help the marriage even if its something little...you'll learn to do it all the time. Hope all is well...

kraftykid · May 31st, 2010, 03:44 PM

Dogma, if my husband was gone for 28 straight days, came home but preferred to spend time on the computer and help a friend rebuild a house I would be ticked myself. Turn off that computer, tell you friend you need a break and spend some quality time with your wife and family. Sorry to be so blunt, but you may not have much time left.

Loomy · November 10th, 2011, 04:00 AM

Hi
Leeza has left me 8-years ago,after passing this period she came back home,on my asking what would u like to do,simply asking that most of her precious time will spend on the computer.Nothing to do more for any sharing.

February 26th, 2010, 01:57 PM	#1
Dogma72 Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 2	Don't know what to do Hi, I have been married for 12 years and have two wonderful children with my wife. We have had a few issues in our marriage, but normally nothing very serious very often. We did have a huge issue about 5 years ago and it very nearly ended our relationship in divorce, but, we were able to work through it, and life has been really good since then. Well until a few months ago. I work offshore, mostly in southeast asia, and we live in the USA. I work a rotation - 28 days on, 28 days off. I have been doing this for about 3 years or so. The job makes me very happy, very satisfied and the money is really good which has made alot of things alot easier around our household. My current problems started about 3 months ago. Towards one of the ends of my rotations, i guess i just started feeling like I was in a funk. I wasn't able to put my finger on it, and in fact, i didn't even realize it at first. So, what started out as a little funk gradually grew over the next several months - i wrote it off as stress, as the holidays, as whatever. Finally about a month ago, i realized that the reason I was in a funk is because something was wrong with my wife. She wasn't complimenting me the way she normally would, we would physically not touch as much as normal - no fights, no arguments, just a 'cooling' of our relationship. Shortly before the point at which i realized that i was in a serious funk it got downright frigid. I confronted her with some reasons that i thought might be responsible for why i was feeling the way that i was and that ended up backfiring on me and she kinda unloaded on me with both barrels. She told me the issue was that i spent too much time in the evenings on my laptop - which, fair enough, i did, but, honestly I didn't realize that it was a problem that affected her because ever since the near divorce experience i had really really been trying to make a point that no activity of mine would ever have a negative impact on our relationship. I asked her all the time if she was happy, if i could do things better and at no time during the years prior to this funk did she ever indicate that i was anything but a saint who made her ridiculously happy. Well, after the double barrel shotgun unloading - while i'm overseas for 3 weeks of training, she goes into a funk. I of course wanted to talk about it, try and figure out what the problem was so that we could work on a solution, but, she told me she wants me to back off and give her some space. I guess she is entitled to that, but i want to be there for her, i want to be emotionally available. It is really affecting me that i can't see her, or here her voice and i know its selfish, but, not getting any feedback on where our relationship stands is driving me nuts - i am having problems sleeping, i am having panic attacks. I honestly don't know what to do, I don't know if she is gonna come out of this and tell me that I'm not what she needs. I won't say that I have given up alot for her, but, i guess in some ways, i feel like i have. For instance, we don't live anywhere near any of my friends - although my family does live nearby, we live in a suburb vs. in the city or in the country. I don't know, i know its stupid, but, i feel like the fate of my marriage is completely out of my control and that scares the every living bejesus out of me. I have worked really hard to try and be the best possible husband and best possible father and i have to believe that those efforts have to have resulted in some successes. I love my wife so much and i just want to make her as happy as possible, but, i just don't know what to do and the feeling of helplessness is terrifying to me. please help

February 26th, 2010, 03:24 PM	#2
elephantshoes Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Minnesota Posts: 5	a thought... I'm sure I'm quite younger than you and I might not be much help but I want to try. My advice is maybe on your time off starting seeing a therapist on your own to talk about whats going on. And as you keep going there might be a time when you are able to really tell your wife what your feeling in a way that comes out to help you both grow. I'm sure every marriage goes through the same thing and some fail. But you need to "respark" your marriage. Suprise her with something that she has always wanted...or take a weekend getaway. And maybe along with you seeing a therapist...maybe it would be time for marriage counseling. But then again maybe your wife will come out of it. She could be feeling neglected and not knowing what to do herself. It could be that she wants you to take control and help her get out of this "funk". Try to find each other again. I know working the way that you do is hard and people lose each other doing that. But everything happens for a reason and one day you'll wake up and realize exactly what you need to do. Just stay strong...and try to "respark" your relationship with your wife. Best Wishes!

November 10th, 2011, 04:00 AM	#6
Loomy Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2011 Posts: 13	Hi Leeza has left me 8-years ago,after passing this period she came back home,on my asking what would u like to do,simply asking that most of her precious time will spend on the computer.Nothing to do more for any sharing. __________________ Loomy

February 26th, 2010, 04:07 PM	#3
Dogma72 Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 2	I think I pretty much agree with what you are saying. I was thinking at looking at what therapists might be covered by our insurance and then seeing if i could get in. I don't think she feels unappreciated, but, i do think - and respect - that she has a very difficult lot in life. I'm gone have the year and she's responsible for the kids - one with severe adhd, the dishes, the laundry, the dog, the etc. etc. etc. Then I come home, and i'm jet lagged and exhausted and we have just come out of the holidays, we have been working on remodelling a house with some friends of ours (to be fair that place has been a nightmare) and lets be honest, i'm a guy and honestly, i know that i don't help around the house nearly as much as i should. That is a subject that we have visited many times in the past. Of course i make promises to help more, and usually do, but, inevitably i stop. But, honestly, isn't that a problem that is common to almost every single marriage? (the man never helps out enough around the house?)

March 7th, 2010, 02:46 PM	#4
elephantshoes Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Minnesota Posts: 5	I hope things get better for you. I don't want things to get to the point where you can't fix them. But things will become clear on what you have to do. And yes I suppose there is that common issue of the guy not helping out enough...but if thats what it takes to help the marriage even if its something little...you'll learn to do it all the time. Hope all is well...

May 31st, 2010, 03:44 PM	#5
kraftykid Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 83	Dogma, if my husband was gone for 28 straight days, came home but preferred to spend time on the computer and help a friend rebuild a house I would be ticked myself. Turn off that computer, tell you friend you need a break and spend some quality time with your wife and family. Sorry to be so blunt, but you may not have much time left.