Depressed...

Knox167 · August 26th, 2010, 06:26 AM

I don't know what's wrong with me, It's impossible for me to have any satisfaction, I have nothing in me that is virtuous, I'm like a needy black hole that just tries to consume things, I used to be sooooo happy, you have no idea how happy I used to be, I literally felt like I had everything figured out, I was very self aware and caring and loving of everyone up until I was sixteen. I fell in love with this girl who totally lost interest in me and she started getting really short in our conversations till I got that sinking "she doesn't care anymore" feeling and I broke up with her, well then our pseudo-friendship lasted for about another 2 years of me basically kissing her ass and my sexual self esteem and libido spiraled down horribly as we never had sex and she made me feel ugly and unnattrictive, physically and personality wise and I was far from a virgin entering our relationship, I would even cheat on her and feel horrible because all I ever wanted was to fix that part of me that she damaged and be loved in return, well that ended in shambles when I was 17 or 18 and my anxiety and self esteem hit rock bottom after I had moved away from my family to california from alabama in order to be with her and I was staying at a friends house. I was forced once again to break up with her as I felt so unreciprocated and unable to handle the pain any longer, although I was too afraid to confront her on feelings directly, maybe because of the pain of the truth. Ever since then I have been permanently damaged and I believe I may have a form of OCD called Pure O. I am very angry and I hate myself for being incapable of understanding. I put in so much effort on a daily basis to be happy but I can never achieve anything. I don't feel human any longer, I never feel emotion on any depth except for a slight twingy stab in my ego everytime I think of the pain of my past. Then I recently met and fell in love with another girl for the first time since the first girl but my old low self esteem relationship habits kicked back in and I destroyed it. I find myself in a constant cycle of constant dwelling, sometimes I'm not even conscious of it, it's just happening in the background and all I hear in my head are depressing painful thoughts, I want to die alot, I don't tell very many people because they act like I'm being dramatic, that's all I ever fucking hear is that I'm being dramatic, but everyone noticed a drastic change in me when I was 16, saw how depressed I've become and I feel so dumb for letting one girl destroy my life, but I can't continue my life like this and I don't know what to do. I'm working just to afford therapy sessions that I should be able to start soon and I'm fucking bitter about it because I don't have insurance and I have to work my ass off, all fucked up in the head, all day long, just to pay for some form of help. I need help, I don't know what kind, maybe just a way to identify what's wrong with me and why I'm so incapable of not thinking or being happy, or even just level. Like, I notice everyone has this inner structure to thier personalities that they hide thier emotions and deep secrets in, I feel like that part of me has been destroyed, I don't have an inner structure, I'm all lost, I have hazy memory and I can't remember the last time I had any form of clarity as to the events in the past 3 years. I cycle through different phobias that are always about myself or what I may be or what I may do. Thus far I believe I am an alcoholic, I'm definitely addicted to cigarettes, worse then ever before, I'm afraid that I'm developing a porn addiction, I have no sustenance, I'm like a collapsed black hole, just constantly sucking in things to feed my shattered ego because it's no longer self sustaining, when It used to be not only self sustaining but free and giving of all forms of love and empathy. I don't understand what it's like to feel like I have someone I can trust, not because I feel hurt or abandoned, but because there's not a special little place in me that I feel can be nurtured or given to them in order for me to trust them with it. I'm amazed at how depressed I am sometimes, like thinking back to how utterly happy I am, I look at myself with disgust and despair now, to see what I've become, such an empty shithole. You guys probably think I'm pretty fucking hard on myself, but this is how I feel, and I'm so angry about it, but I've analyzed all of my emotions and the root of them so deeply that I feel like everything about me is fake, most people can say "I'm angry, I'm sad" I don't feel the justification in having emotions, I can't beat away problems with them like everyone else does, you guys that have them, be grateful, you are so lucky that you have an inner defense mechanism for your ego's, otherwise you'd be feeling how I do. and it's not even realistic how depressed I am, every day I just fake it to the point where I am in denial about what's really effecting me, then I run around and compulsively try to get girls to like me and want to have sex with me, or I do things in different ways to see if they'll effect me and change me emotionally, almost in a ritualistic way, like I try to alter my mood and get into a different mindstate, then talk to someone supportive, just to see if it can trick my emotional body into absorbing it and teaching it. I'm insane, I am an empty shell, I feel misunderstood and I feel dumb feeling it simultaneously! These rants I have to go on just to get everything out come about every 2 weeks when my mind starts not being able to handle the amount of thoughts and pressure racing through it constantly. And noooooo one ever fucking understands they just always tell me to do some dumb fucking thing and try to change myself, which I'm always trying to do, and that will make me happy. I am so full of hate for everyone and everything right now, I pray to god every day to just show me what to do and I'll do it, even if it's simply to do nothing, which I have done, If it's to quit smoking, which I have done, if It's to quit socializing because of the influence people have over me, which I've done, I've basically become a devout taoist and christian, still no happiness. I feel like I am not capable of change, literally, my life has been a stagnant depressing standstill since I was 16 and I have not changed. Please help if you can.

kalinka · September 21st, 2010, 02:19 PM

hey knox
i read your story. i don't know what the right thing is to say. but i really want to extend my sympathy for you. i am sure it sucks to feel that way. i know i am just a stranger- i have no clue what you're going through and this reply may not mean much. but your account of what has happened to you touched me in a way. i probably cant give you much advice that will help. but i can tell you i dont think you're dramatic etc.. and there probably is no quick fix to your feeling this way. i m not a therapist, but i hope that whoever is helping you is actually helping. best of luck to you. and most i can say... if you were happy once upon a time like you were, you can be there again, and i have a feeling you really do want to be!

Graham · July 28th, 2011, 06:37 AM

Depression can be reduced by doing
1. Walk
2. Listening music
3. Drink juices
4. Sitting alone
5. Need calmness
6. Taking long breaths in the fresh air

Bradshaw · September 21st, 2011, 02:25 AM

Hi Buddies...

I would say that Depression is very severe in its nature . It can be controlled by Proper Environment , Diet , Exercise , Rest and Consultation with the doctor .

August 26th, 2010, 06:26 AM	#1
Knox167 Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 1	Depressed... I don't know what's wrong with me, It's impossible for me to have any satisfaction, I have nothing in me that is virtuous, I'm like a needy black hole that just tries to consume things, I used to be sooooo happy, you have no idea how happy I used to be, I literally felt like I had everything figured out, I was very self aware and caring and loving of everyone up until I was sixteen. I fell in love with this girl who totally lost interest in me and she started getting really short in our conversations till I got that sinking "she doesn't care anymore" feeling and I broke up with her, well then our pseudo-friendship lasted for about another 2 years of me basically kissing her ass and my sexual self esteem and libido spiraled down horribly as we never had sex and she made me feel ugly and unnattrictive, physically and personality wise and I was far from a virgin entering our relationship, I would even cheat on her and feel horrible because all I ever wanted was to fix that part of me that she damaged and be loved in return, well that ended in shambles when I was 17 or 18 and my anxiety and self esteem hit rock bottom after I had moved away from my family to california from alabama in order to be with her and I was staying at a friends house. I was forced once again to break up with her as I felt so unreciprocated and unable to handle the pain any longer, although I was too afraid to confront her on feelings directly, maybe because of the pain of the truth. Ever since then I have been permanently damaged and I believe I may have a form of OCD called Pure O. I am very angry and I hate myself for being incapable of understanding. I put in so much effort on a daily basis to be happy but I can never achieve anything. I don't feel human any longer, I never feel emotion on any depth except for a slight twingy stab in my ego everytime I think of the pain of my past. Then I recently met and fell in love with another girl for the first time since the first girl but my old low self esteem relationship habits kicked back in and I destroyed it. I find myself in a constant cycle of constant dwelling, sometimes I'm not even conscious of it, it's just happening in the background and all I hear in my head are depressing painful thoughts, I want to die alot, I don't tell very many people because they act like I'm being dramatic, that's all I ever fucking hear is that I'm being dramatic, but everyone noticed a drastic change in me when I was 16, saw how depressed I've become and I feel so dumb for letting one girl destroy my life, but I can't continue my life like this and I don't know what to do. I'm working just to afford therapy sessions that I should be able to start soon and I'm fucking bitter about it because I don't have insurance and I have to work my ass off, all fucked up in the head, all day long, just to pay for some form of help. I need help, I don't know what kind, maybe just a way to identify what's wrong with me and why I'm so incapable of not thinking or being happy, or even just level. Like, I notice everyone has this inner structure to thier personalities that they hide thier emotions and deep secrets in, I feel like that part of me has been destroyed, I don't have an inner structure, I'm all lost, I have hazy memory and I can't remember the last time I had any form of clarity as to the events in the past 3 years. I cycle through different phobias that are always about myself or what I may be or what I may do. Thus far I believe I am an alcoholic, I'm definitely addicted to cigarettes, worse then ever before, I'm afraid that I'm developing a porn addiction, I have no sustenance, I'm like a collapsed black hole, just constantly sucking in things to feed my shattered ego because it's no longer self sustaining, when It used to be not only self sustaining but free and giving of all forms of love and empathy. I don't understand what it's like to feel like I have someone I can trust, not because I feel hurt or abandoned, but because there's not a special little place in me that I feel can be nurtured or given to them in order for me to trust them with it. I'm amazed at how depressed I am sometimes, like thinking back to how utterly happy I am, I look at myself with disgust and despair now, to see what I've become, such an empty shithole. You guys probably think I'm pretty fucking hard on myself, but this is how I feel, and I'm so angry about it, but I've analyzed all of my emotions and the root of them so deeply that I feel like everything about me is fake, most people can say "I'm angry, I'm sad" I don't feel the justification in having emotions, I can't beat away problems with them like everyone else does, you guys that have them, be grateful, you are so lucky that you have an inner defense mechanism for your ego's, otherwise you'd be feeling how I do. and it's not even realistic how depressed I am, every day I just fake it to the point where I am in denial about what's really effecting me, then I run around and compulsively try to get girls to like me and want to have sex with me, or I do things in different ways to see if they'll effect me and change me emotionally, almost in a ritualistic way, like I try to alter my mood and get into a different mindstate, then talk to someone supportive, just to see if it can trick my emotional body into absorbing it and teaching it. I'm insane, I am an empty shell, I feel misunderstood and I feel dumb feeling it simultaneously! These rants I have to go on just to get everything out come about every 2 weeks when my mind starts not being able to handle the amount of thoughts and pressure racing through it constantly. And noooooo one ever fucking understands they just always tell me to do some dumb fucking thing and try to change myself, which I'm always trying to do, and that will make me happy. I am so full of hate for everyone and everything right now, I pray to god every day to just show me what to do and I'll do it, even if it's simply to do nothing, which I have done, If it's to quit smoking, which I have done, if It's to quit socializing because of the influence people have over me, which I've done, I've basically become a devout taoist and christian, still no happiness. I feel like I am not capable of change, literally, my life has been a stagnant depressing standstill since I was 16 and I have not changed. Please help if you can.

September 21st, 2010, 02:19 PM	#2
kalinka Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2010 Posts: 3	hey knox i read your story. i don't know what the right thing is to say. but i really want to extend my sympathy for you. i am sure it sucks to feel that way. i know i am just a stranger- i have no clue what you're going through and this reply may not mean much. but your account of what has happened to you touched me in a way. i probably cant give you much advice that will help. but i can tell you i dont think you're dramatic etc.. and there probably is no quick fix to your feeling this way. i m not a therapist, but i hope that whoever is helping you is actually helping. best of luck to you. and most i can say... if you were happy once upon a time like you were, you can be there again, and i have a feeling you really do want to be!

July 28th, 2011, 06:37 AM	#3
Graham Junior Member Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: USA Posts: 15	Depression can be reduced by doing 1. Walk 2. Listening music 3. Drink juices 4. Sitting alone 5. Need calmness 6. Taking long breaths in the fresh air

September 21st, 2011, 02:25 AM	#4
Bradshaw Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2011 Posts: 16	Hi Buddies... I would say that Depression is very severe in its nature . It can be controlled by Proper Environment , Diet , Exercise , Rest and Consultation with the doctor .