Advice?! Free Clinical Help?

kiwi55 · October 12th, 2010, 04:41 AM

I've had depression since I was 12 or so; I am now 26 years old.

I didn't initially understand it when it first began. When I finally got to high school it was incredibly bad. Suicidal thoughts and all. BUT, because I've managed it, somehow, and realized that my outward actions and demeanor affected others and their feelings and actions around me, I would always put on a fa?ade. I wasn't ever known to be a social outcast or anything like that. I was actually very social and bubbly and always was the goofy/funny one making the jokes and having others feel good and happy. But underneath, and still today I am the same way, there is such a pit of sadness. There's not a day or minute that goes by that I don't feel like crying. But I've "managed" and worked through it all by keeping busy or suppressing those negative and sad feelings. I didn't want to accept that depression was the cause. To me, it was a mental issue, and there was no way I had something mental wrong with me. I've learned a bit since, and finally read more on depression to find out otherwise.

Now, as I've said, I am 26 years old. I finally accepted sometime last year, that depression was my issue. I was tired. Tired of feeling sad everyday and of acting like I am okay and happy. I want there to be a day where I actually AM happy, without that horrible feeling inside. I don't like meds, and think that a lot of them are horrible for you, so I did the whole exercise and lost 50lbs, because I did get overweight for a while there. Healthier because of it, great... but, didn't work for the depression. On vitamins. Active in other things. Still social. None of it worked. I do not substance abuse, either.

I had gotten laid off and have no medical insurance. I want to try out the UCLA depression place (I live in LA), but I don't want to have students around poking and trying to study me. It's a very personal matter that I'm not comfortable sharing with a bunch of kids. Even if they're trying to help me. I'm not suicidal or anything, but I do think about death more than what I assume I should be and daydream into situations of where and how my death could occur, be it my an accident on the road or by my own doing.

Like I said, I don't like meds... but honestly, at this point, if they'll make me feel better I am willing to try them. I just want to be genuinely happy for once.

October 12th, 2010, 04:41 AM	#1
kiwi55 Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Posts: 1	Advice?! Free Clinical Help? I've had depression since I was 12 or so; I am now 26 years old. I didn't initially understand it when it first began. When I finally got to high school it was incredibly bad. Suicidal thoughts and all. BUT, because I've managed it, somehow, and realized that my outward actions and demeanor affected others and their feelings and actions around me, I would always put on a fa?ade. I wasn't ever known to be a social outcast or anything like that. I was actually very social and bubbly and always was the goofy/funny one making the jokes and having others feel good and happy. But underneath, and still today I am the same way, there is such a pit of sadness. There's not a day or minute that goes by that I don't feel like crying. But I've "managed" and worked through it all by keeping busy or suppressing those negative and sad feelings. I didn't want to accept that depression was the cause. To me, it was a mental issue, and there was no way I had something mental wrong with me. I've learned a bit since, and finally read more on depression to find out otherwise. Now, as I've said, I am 26 years old. I finally accepted sometime last year, that depression was my issue. I was tired. Tired of feeling sad everyday and of acting like I am okay and happy. I want there to be a day where I actually AM happy, without that horrible feeling inside. I don't like meds, and think that a lot of them are horrible for you, so I did the whole exercise and lost 50lbs, because I did get overweight for a while there. Healthier because of it, great... but, didn't work for the depression. On vitamins. Active in other things. Still social. None of it worked. I do not substance abuse, either. I had gotten laid off and have no medical insurance. I want to try out the UCLA depression place (I live in LA), but I don't want to have students around poking and trying to study me. It's a very personal matter that I'm not comfortable sharing with a bunch of kids. Even if they're trying to help me. I'm not suicidal or anything, but I do think about death more than what I assume I should be and daydream into situations of where and how my death could occur, be it my an accident on the road or by my own doing. Like I said, I don't like meds... but honestly, at this point, if they'll make me feel better I am willing to try them. I just want to be genuinely happy for once.