How do I know God's will?

[JustBeMe]

Hi there, this is my first post and first time here at this forum. I was lead here from Marianne Williamson's website. And I am grateful to have found it.

I am here with a "issue" that i am really struggling with.

I will try to be as to the point as I can here. This is more about getting it out and taking the power out of my EGO's plan rather than looking for advice.

My issue is this... i have been with a man for over 2 years. We met many years ago but never got to know one other as that was just the way it was meant to be. Anyway, very unexpectedly, we met and got together. I was made aware as soon as we started communicating that he had recently seperated and there were children involved. straight away my alarm bells rang and I KNEW that i should make an exit but instead i didn't. I stayed. And so fast forward two years later and I am still with that deep, deep uncomfortable ache that will not go away.

I have to be honest and say that there have been some amazing moments between myself and this person. I have learnt so much about myself and have been blessed with healing of many wounds. I have learned about life. I have a richer relationship with myself and with God but then I hit a wall.

I am a young women and I have come from a place where stuff happened but i now know that my wounds and my past are not who i am. After years of much self developement, therapists, self help groups and the rest... i am at a point where i feel i am taking it to the next level. I asked God for help some time ago and this is where i am at now. I am choosing to change my mind. Undo the wiring that no longer serves me. But if any of you have experienced this... at first or at times... it can be painful or "seem" painful when you are bringing stuff to the light to be healed. I feel excited and really believe that this is part of my journey.

Now back to my issue... this man i am with doesn't really believe in change or in having a power greatest than yourself to direct his life. He is very negative and believes that he is the way he is and cannot change.

So, i am trying to accept that and love him no matter what. I am trying to let his words just bounce off me but i am not at that point yet where my mind is trained to do this. It affects me and i end up re-acting. but that leaves ME in pain. So i don't want to be there anymore. I do not agree with many things he says and his words are often harsh, racist, sexist and very hurtful. He has a tendency to be violent with his words and so that leaves me feeling... scared alot of the time but yet i still run to him for comfort. Its insance behaviour. So why am i still there?

Now, every other day...i think "i need to leave" as this relationship is not based on love. I'm not talking about "i love you so much" love but love in how you treat yourself. Love in how you present yourself to others. Love that is about peace and joy and celebration of being human. The truth is I am not trusting that God's will is for me to leave because it's hard. As crazy as I see this in front of me. I know through my behaviour that i don't. I can't see with my mortal mind that i will get out of this in one piece. I am trying to focus on my departure as being peaceful and loving but i get stuck as my fear around it is sooo strong. I want to leave because i feel trapped. I want to leave because i believe in my life being about service. being of service to mankind and living in the light. But i can't get away from feeling like my feet are grounded in cement.

i have reading some spiritual literature recently and it has been talking about "loving your brother even if he is wrong". This is deep.
So my confusion lies in... do i stick with this man even if it is having a not so great affect on me. And love him till what? Or do i still love him but take care of me? oh wow... already i feel something has shifted.

I guess i would like some feedback if you have had a similar experience.

I am not religious but I do believe that God is of love. I am of God so there i am of love. This is just another small stepping stone but being human - i have emotions with get tangled with my EGO and can cause me to believe the illusion.

But i keep on.

Thank you for this space.

Love and light