New... and barely keeping it together...

[Sami]

I don't know where to begin or how to begin. But I'm drowning. The feeling of overwhelming pain, depression, and helplessness, has just dissolved to the point where all I'm seeing is black. I don't remember the last time that I went to bed and prayed for anything else than to close my eyes and simply never open them again. I can't remember the last time I felt anything but afraid, alone, desperate, and hopeless. I can't remember the last time I felt anything that was even remotely akin to happy, but suffice it to say it's been years... I'm 43 years old, and my life was taken away from me by my mother's Alzheimer's and everything she did to me over the years leading up to that diagnosis so it goes back to my childhood, but she cost me everything right up to the beginning of where I am right now which occurred almost four years ago, when my fiance walked out on me, and my mother's illness reached it's breaking point. I tried to be a good daughter, I brought her into my home, and I now realize I didn't put her out because I was afraid God would punish me for being a wicked daughter, but the bottom line is that He manage to punish me anyway because trying to keep her with me, trying to make sure she didn't turn into a bag lady which was a daily battle with her, cost me our home, my relationship, my business, my sanity, and my life, because frankly what I am doing right now is not living, it's existing, and it's a miserable existence on it's best day. I've tried to struggle to get back on my feet, I've fought to put things behind me, and move on but the bottom line is that when my ex left he left me saddled with an enormous debt that in spite of promises to take care of, he hasn't. I've lost everything. And it seems that the harder I struggle to get back on my feet the more I get kicked right back in the hole. I can't seem to get ahead no matter what I do, or how hard I work at getting my business back because it seems that now I have a sign over my head that says come use me, abuse me, take advantage or me, tell me how much I suck & how little I'm worth, and then kick me when I'm down. I'm at my wits end, and in truth, I'm not sure how I find myself here, but my the only thing keeping me from doing something irrevocable is staying on my computer and continuing to try and work in spite of what people that keep coming into my life are doing to me. I have no friends because when I lost most of my business and the expensive gifts, dinners, and weekends stopped being a commonality, they all split, nevermind that I helped most of them in one way or another and gave them the shirt off my back on many occasions, helping financially, helping make career moves, helping better themselves, but when I needed them no one could be bothered. I know this post sounds like a pity party, and frankly it even sounds this way to my ear when I read it back, but it's not. I cannot put into words the pain I'm in right now, and have been in for longer than I can remember and I'm simply lost. I don't know where else to turn, and it truly feels like even God has forsaken me and made me his own personal joke and "kick me when I'm down" toy. My faith is pretty much non-existent and on more than one occasion I'm sure I've said things out loud that fly in the face of every Catholic tenet that ever existed in my upbringing but honestly, how can anyone judge me for not believing that God is there when all I've done in four years is pray for help and guidance and it's only seemed to make matters worse and not better. I'm not a bad person, I don't believe I've ever done anything to warrant perceiving what I've gone through as payback for something in this lifetime, but I honestly feel like I'm getting it in spades for some unknown to me reason, and I'm tired. So tired that I actively pray now to close my eyes and never open them again. That's no way to live. That is not even remotely close to saying, "okay, so I have no life, I'll choose then to exist". This is torture, it's cruel and it's unusual to expect any human being to feel the way I feel and keep waking up in the morning and try to keep fighting the good fight. I don't have any fight left, and the truth is I feel like it's been beaten out me. I don't know what to do... I'm sorry this was so long. Please don't judge me and think this is a poor pitiful me session it's not. I'm honestly at a point where all I want is to feel something OTHER than what I've been feeling or to not feel anything at all.